Puns and Jokes (Page 2)

A dyslexic atheist with insomnia lays awake wondering if there really IS a Dog

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A family named woods has a large family tree. You often can’t see the tree for the woods.

A famous British wit claimed he could make a pun on any topic. He was challenged to make a pun about the queen. He looked concerned, then said brusquely, ”The Queen is certainly not a subject.”

A farmer had a wooden tractor, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. And guess what…… IT WOODEN GO!

A father got blazing mad when he found a fire set by his boy behind their house and said ‘I don’t want arson doing things like that.

A female surfer had no friends, until she found a bra.

A field trip to the Coca-Cola factory? I hope there’s no pop quiz.

A fisherman hated fish and chips but he didn’t tell a sole.

A fisherman tried boxing, but he only threw hooks.

A flat rate is the monthly rent for an apartment.

A flat-rate poetry tax would be a perverse form of greed.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother

A friend got overly exited about a boring hot air balloon ride, I told him not to get carried away.

A friend told me how she was molested as a child…very touching story.

A funeral ship is a sea hearse.

A garbage man digging through the trash says – Man, am I down in the dumps today.

A gardener who moved back to his home town rediscovered his roots.

A ghost rides an elevator to lift his spirits.

A girl entered a hair styling class, but failed and didn’t make the braid.

A glide-path is a soar spot.

A golfer bought two pairs of pants, just in case he got a hole in one.

A good insurance company knows how to handle acclaim.

A good pun is its own reword

A good pun is like a good steak; a rare medium well done.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A group called the Balloons sings pop music.

A group of ballerinas were wearing their tutus. A couple of extra costumes arrived but they thought they might be tutu many.

A group of english teachers were planning a strike. Some were anti-nouns; some were pro-nouns.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, ”You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, ”Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

A guy who accidentally drove his small import into a giant shrink-wrap machine had his Fiat sealed.

A guy who built fences had post work depression.

A guy who used to sell boomerangs is trying for a comeback.

A gymnast with unbalanced thinking was floored by an unparalleled accident.

A handlebar mustache may look ridiculous, but symmetrical eyelashes are even cilia.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

A hawk sat atop a church because it was a bird of pray.

A high scoring football game can be very offensive.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

A homeless person joining in a riot can basically be heard as a vague rant.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ”So, why the long face?”

A hot dog vendor didn’t relish his job.

A hotel was looking for inn-experienced staff.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

A husband with little English struggled to explain that his wife could not have children, saying ‘she is unbearable’. Getting a blank stare he tried: ‘she is impregnable’.

A jewelry salesman was nicknamed The Ringleader

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