45 Funny Heart Puns & Jokes That Will Pump You Up!

An artsy cover for a book of heart puns and jokes

Funny heart puns and jokes never get old. You can either use them literally, or toss them in when the topic of conversation shifts to love and relationships (it always does).

Either way, having some of these memorized will give you a way to bring out a smile, chuckle, or groan from your friends.

Some of these are downright clever too! We see so many cheesy puns and jokes (don’t worry, there are some of those in here too) on a daily basis that some smart stuff is quite refreshing.

We hope you have a good time reading these heart puns and heart jokes. We really enjoyed putting it together, and think that many can’t be beat!

  • Why are two hearts better than one? Because two hearts can’t be beat.
  • Why do many patients refuse a needed heart transplant? They have a change of heart.
  • What’s the cheesiest pick-up line for bakers to use? Honey, you have a pizza my heart. 
  • What do you call it when a man gives their woman only half a valentine? A half-hearted attempt. 
  • Why do many skeletons avoid important medical care? Their heart isn’t in it. 
  • Why do so many Europeans drink stout beer? They are naturally stouthearted.
  • Why do cardiologists refuse to date hematologists? They’ve learned that such relationships are usually in vein. 
  • Why do the lovelorn often play cards after a breakup? They are searching for the jack of hearts. 
  • What’s the best car for a heart surgeon to own? A beater. 
  • What do they call in medical school when a cardiology student drops out? Heart failure. 
  • Why do some men give their valentines pink rather than red valentines? Maybe they feel lighthearted about the relationship. 
  • Why do skeletons usually don’t try to scare Trick or Treaters? They don’t have a heart. 
  • How do you determine the best heart for love? Look for those whose hearts are beat red. 
  • Why do many musicians wind up in heart surgery? They play their heart out. 
  • How do they select cardiologists in medical school? They look for those who are following their heart? 
  • Why do gardeners get all the girls? They have the biggest beets. 
  • How did the girl know her boyfriend was in love? He had a huge heart-on. 
  • Why is a brief separation so difficult for couples in love? Because they can heartly wait to see each other again. 
  • What did the policeman say to his girlfriend? You’re under cardiac arrest. 
  • Why did the Couple in love go to Las Vegas to gamble? Because two hearts can’t be beat? 
  • Why did the bodybuilder kiss his girlfriend before posing? To get pumped up.
  • Why are locksmiths successful with girls? Because they have the key to their hearts. 
  • What did the cardiologist say when his sexy patient proposed to him? Another one that makes me want my heart to beat. 
  • What did the pig say to his girlfriend? I won’t go bacon your heart. 
  • Two red blood cells fell in love. But it was all in vein. 
  • Speak to me in the language of love, said the girl. Her boyfriend replied lub-dub, lub-dub. 
  • How men view marriage. It starts with two hearts and after 20 years you wish you had a club and spade. 
  • What did the Octopus say to his girlfriend? You octopi my heart. 
  • What do you call two birds in love? Tweet hearts. 
  • What did the otter say to his girlfriend? I love you like no otter. 
  • Why is it so difficult to fall in love in a museum? Because you can’t touch the hearts. 
  • Why did the balloon seller have so few successful dates? Because he always kept things light-hearted. 
  • A teenager asked his guidance counselor for help deciding what he should study. The counselor told him to follow his heart. “Okay,” said the teen, “but what does boom boom, boom boom” mean?
  • Why do people often get heartburn when eating birthday cake? They don’t take the candles out first. 
  • Why did the DJ have so many girlfriends? Because his music was off the charts. 
  • Why did the cardiologist comedian only tell heart jokes? Because they aren’t corn-orary! 
  • What did the smitten coed say to the Starbucks barista? I love you a latte. 
  • How do you kill a French Vampire? Stab it in the heart with a baguette. 
  • Why do cardiologists make great bodybuilders? They get pumped up easily. 
  • Did you hear about the latest song by a video editor? It’s called total clips of the heart. 
  • Why is England considered backward? There are no heart banks but they have a Liverpool.
  • Why do many scrabble players lack great love affairs? They have hart but no e. 
  • A pound of bacon and a heart walk into a bar and order a drink but the bartender refuses. Sorry he said, we don’t serve food here. 
  • Why was the grandpa banned from the zoo? He had the heart of a lion.

Can’t Beat These!

We hope you had a good time reading this list of heart puns and heart jokes. We had a lot of fun collecting them, and have to stop ourselves from using them constantly!

If this list inspired you to think of any heart puns or jokes of your own, feel free to send them to us. If we like them we’ll definitely find a place for them above.