The best Chuck Norris jokes never fail to make people laugh. There’s something about these jokes that continue to have staying power year after year.
You would assume that they wouldn’t be funny anymore after so much time in the spotlight, but they have remarkable staying power (just like Chuck Norris).
This list of the best Chuck Norris jokes is a combination of the old and the new. We had a blast putting it together, and know you’ll enjoy reading them.
- When Chuck Norris was a baby he farted for the first time, scientists say this is when the big bang occured.
- After Chuck Norris was born, he drove his Mother home from the hospital.
- Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. The problem is that he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
- Chuck Norris mines bitcoin with a pickaxe.
- Chuck Norris’ trash throws itself out.
- When a building is on fire and Chuck Norris walks in, the Chuck Norris alarm rings.
- Chuck Norris used to wash his clothes in the ocean, but it caused too many tsunamis.
- A condom needs protection to avoid becoming impregnated by Chuck Norris on date night.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting because the “hunting” implies that you might not succeed. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man so hard that it was felt by his ancestors.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity twice.
- Chuck Norris can clap with only one hand.
- Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was constantly too close. Now it stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
- Chuck Norris was able to smell a gas leak before the scent of gas was added.
- Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and still won.
- Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
- The Dead Sea was alive until Chuck Norris swam there.
- Chuck Norris once had a heart attack and his heart lost.
- Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.
- When Chuck Norris is in Rome, the Romans must do as he does.
- Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as the Islands.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t like climbing trees. Instead, he just pushes them over and walks on them.
- Chuck Norris’ calendar goes right from the 31st of March to April 2nd. No one can fool Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once hit a huge rock with his golf club. This created the Moon.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe air. He breathes fear.
- Chuck Norris is the reason that Wally hides.
- Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.
- Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.
- The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
- The sun needs sunglasses when Chuck Norris looks at it.
- When Chuck Norris does push ups, the earth moves. This is called an earthquake.
- Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak obeyed his every command.
- Chuck Norris is so tough, sometimes his sandwiches stay in the air when he drops them.
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris underwear.
- Chuck Norris uses pepper spray on his steaks to add flavor.
- Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris was once bitten by a poisonous snake. And after a month of excruciating pain, the snake died.
- Chuck Norris uses pepper spray as a seasoning on his meat.
- If Chuck Norris was on The Titanic the iceberg would have avoided the ship.
- They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but his beard was too tough for the granite.
- If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, then Chuck Norris can beat all of them at the same time.
- Chuck Norris is so powerful that he can slam a revolving door.
- Tornadoes are created when Chuck Norris punches the wind.
- The Flash learned how to run at the speed of light when he discovered Chuck Norris was looking for him.
- There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he simply turned up the sun.
- Santa Claus was real before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
- Chuck Norris can make onions cry.
- Chuck Norris never retreats. He simply attacks in the opposite direction.
- If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension and meet another Chuck Norris, they would both win in a fight.
- Chuck Norris is so good at Tetris that he can beat the game in 5 seconds without even playing.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t get frostbite because he bites frost.
- The show Survivor originally had the idea of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. But there were no survivors.
- Chuck Norris built the hospital that he was born in.
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- Chuck Norris is able to make other people walk in his sleep.
- Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
- Chuck Norris is so tough that he once shot an enemy plane down by pointing his finger and yelling, “Bang!”
- Chuck Norris never needs to flush the toilet. He always ends up scaring the crap out of it.
- Chuck Norris is so tough that he can play Jenga with Stonehenge.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he temporarily holds the air hostage.
- Chuck Norris hates ties! He likes to win instead.
- Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he knows what he needs
- Chuck Norris doesn’t pay his taxes. Instead, his taxes pay Chuck Norris.
- The real reason why Bigfoot is hiding is that he once saw Chuck Norris walking in the woods.
- Chuck Norris knows what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
- When Chuck goes bowling he hits every pin in the bowling alley when he hits a strike.
- When Chuck Norris does division, there are never any remainders.
- When the teacher wanted to talk to Chuck Norris, she had to raise her hand.
- When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get in better shape.
- When Chuck Norris eats at a restaurant, the waiter tips him at the end of his meal.
- Chuck Norris never calls the wrong number. Someone just answered the wrong phone.
- Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
- Chuck Norris once built a snowman out of water.
- Chuck Norris does not own an oven, stove, or microwave. That’s because revenge is a dish best served cold.
- Chuck Norris punches people so hard that their blood starts bleeding.
- When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Not even glass gets in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
- If you’re able to spell Chuck Norris when playing Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- Chuck Norris drinks a mug of screws instead of coffee with his breakfast.
- The fastest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
- Freddy Krueger has constant nightmares about Chuck Norris.
- It takes Chuck Norris only 20 minutes to watch the show 60 Minutes.
- Chuck Norris once punched a cyclops right between the eyes.
- Cars look both ways when Chuck Norris crosses the road
- Chuck Norris’ house in Hawaii is inside a volcano. He enjoys a natural jacuzzi.
- Chuck Norris figured out the last digit of pi.
- When Chuck Norris walks into a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on. Instead, he turns off the dark.
- Chuck Norris thinks, therefore the World is.
- Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling tournament, with both arms tied behind his back.
- When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor was the only person who cried. You can never slap Chuck Norris.
- The sun lost in a staring contest to Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
- The Loch Ness Monster claims to have seen Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris got rid of the periodic table. Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
- The US national anthem sounds like Chuck Norris’ heartbeat.
- Chuck Norris is the narrator of Morgan Freeman’s life.
- When Chuck Norris writes, the paper starts to bleed
- Chuck Norris once killed 2 stones with one bird.
- Scientists say our Universe is constantly expanding. What it’s actually doing is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
- When Thanos snapped his fingers, he disappeared. Chuck Norris doesn’t appreciate snapping.
- In an average family room there are a hundred objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you. That includes the room itself.
- When Chuck Norris went to college, he sat down with his father and told him, “You’re the man of the house now”.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
- And on the 7th day, God rested. Then Chuck Norris took over.
- When Chuck Norris uses the internet he can skip ads whenever he wants. However, ads can’t skip Chuck Norris.
- In the beginning, there was nothing. Then nothing was roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris who told it to get a job.
- Whenever Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls try to dodge him.
- If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, then it’s beef.
- Chuck Norris was only ever wrong once. It was when he thought he had made a mistake.
- Chuck never needs to throw out the trash, it always throws itself out.
- The theory of evolution is a lot simpler than it seems. It’s just a list of creatures that Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all lethal.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he makes sure to check under his bed for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is the only person on Earth that can kick you in the back of the face.
- A rainbow pops up whenever Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.
- When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s just letting you know how many seconds you have left to live.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t use hand sanitizer. He just flexes his muscles and all the germs fly off.
- Whenever Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares at night they would come to his bedroom.
- In Pamplona, Spain, the people there do an annual running of the bulls. But in reality, the bulls are really running from Chuck Norris.
- If you put your ear up to a seashell you can hear the ocean. If you put your ear up to Chuck Norris’ boot you hear the opening riff to Scorpions’ “Rock You Like a Hurricane”
- The Swiss Army never goes into the field without their Chuck Norris Knives.
- Chuck Norris once wrestled a tiger, an alligator, and a bear at the same time.
- Chuck Norris has a very profitable business selling his urine. It’s called Red Bull.
- Chuck Norris never uses spell check when he writes. If he ever misspells something, the Oxford dictionary will adjust to accommodate him.
- Chuck Norris gifted his wife a heart that was still beating on Valentine’s day.
- Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
- Time waits for no man, except Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris looks into the abyss, the abyss nervously looks away and avoids eye contact.
- Chuck Norris can cook his minute rice in 30 seconds.
- Chuck Norris’s belly button actually doubles as a power outlet.
- The laws of physics make an exception for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a coal mine. It then became a diamond mine.
- Chuck Norris once beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- When Chuck Norris went to Burger King and ordered a big mac, they dropped everything and made it for him.
- Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
- Chuck Norris eats bullets for breakfast. That’s why you should never be nearby when he burps.
- When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher gave him an assignment. He got a perfect score after turning in a blank page with only his name at the top..
- Chuck Norris was born with two umbilical cords, one red and one blue. The bomb squad made a mistake and cut the wrong cord.
- Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
- The “Roundhouse kick” name was born when Chuck Norris kicked an entire house in a circle.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t have to worry about rising gas prices. His vehicles run 100% on fear.
- Chuck Norris’s GPS doesn’t have the courage to tell him to turn around.
- Chuck Norris once killed someone’s imaginary friend.
- Chuck Norris once had an arm wrestling contest with superman.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of fresh rain.
- Chuck Norris breathes air just like the rest of us. A few times a day.
- Chuck Norris can kill ten men with one blow. Literally just by blowing on them.
- When Chuck Norris jumps on the Tempur-Pedic mattress, the wine glass shatters.
- Whenever Chuck Norris needs an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- Chuck Norris drinks napalm if he ever has a case of heartburn.
- Chuck Norris was asked to fire someone once. So he created hell.
- Chuck Norris was born May 6th 1945 and the Nazis surrendered May 7th 1945. I rest my case.
- Chuck Norris can lift up a bucket while he’s inside it.
- Burger King changed their slogan to “Have it your way” after Chuck Norris walked in and ordered a Big Mac.
- Chuck Norris once strangled a man with a cordless phone.
- Chuck Norris climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, and he spent 14 minutes at the bottom admiring the view.
- When Chuck Norris was a kid he was playing around and started to spin a ball on his finger. Earth continues to spin to this day.
- Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
- Chuck Norris is proof that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t alone before he first ventured into space.
- For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
- The dinosaurs once rubbed Chuck Norris the wrong way. As you can tell, dinosaurs aren’t around anymore.
- The best hand sanitizers can kill 99.9 percent of germs, but Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
- The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep out Chuck Norris. It was unsuccessful.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t strike gold. Gold is created whenever Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks a rock.
- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. That’s how giraffes were created.
- If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ former enemies, just check the list of extinct species.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- Aliens are real. But they won’t be showing themselves as long as Chuck Norris is on the earth.
- Chuck Norris has never cheated death. He wins fair and square.
- Chuck Norris is able to sneeze with his eyes wide open.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.
- Chuck Norris has to carry a concealed weapons permit when he wears normal clothes.
- When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- When Chuck Norris steps on a lego, the lego screams.
- Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris played a game of rock, paper scissors against his reflection, and won.
- The seismic scale has a magnitude above 9 that many people don’t know about. It’s referred to as “the Chuck Norris’ Sneeze”.
- Voldemort calls Chuck Norris “You know who.”
- Chuck Norris doesn’t have a chin underneath his beard. He has a third fist.
- Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- The reason there are no roads named after Chuck Norris is that no one would ever cross it.
- Chuck Norris eats the rarest of meats. That typically means dragons and unicorns.
- Somebody once asked Chuck Norris how many pull ups he could do. They found out that the answer is all of them.
- Chuck Norris once shattered the space-time continuum with a roundhouse kick. Thankfully he was kind enough to put it back together.
- Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
- Chuck Norris can win a race standing still.
- Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 100 men. Then, the grenade exploded.
- There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed the planet.
- Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
- When Chuck Norris was born the doctor asked him to name his parents.
- Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
- When lightning strikes Chuck Norris, the sky gets injured.
- Chuck Norris can start a bonfire with a fire extinguisher.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. The terrorists negotiate with Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once fell off the top of a building, and the ground saw its life flash before its eyes.
- Chuck Norris fell while skateboarding and skinned the sidewalk with his knee.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t need to remove the shell from a coconut when eating it.
- Ozzy Osbourne bit the head off a bat. Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman.
- Ghosts gather around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
- On the 7th day, God rested. But only once Chuck Norris gave him permission.
- Some lucky individuals have made it down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris has gone up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
- The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot each year.
- Chuck Norris can drink a whole pitcher of beer. That includes the pitcher itself.
- Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from the skin of actual cowboys.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s actually just pushing the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shower. He prefers blood baths.
- After Chuck Norris works out at the gym, they need to close it down for repairs.
- Chuck Norris can speak in braille.
- Chuck Norris once raced the earth around the sun. He won by five years.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t need to turn the shower on. He just stares at the nozzle until it starts to cry.
- Chuck Norris once punched a man in his soul.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t like to tip waiters because it makes them fall over.
- Two police officers were told to arrest Chuck Norris. When they found him they said, “we have the right to remain silent”.
- Chuck Norris keeps a diary. It’s called the Guinness Book Of World Records.
- Chuck Norris only goes to sleep to let the Earth rest.
- Chuck Norris can sketch a detailed drawing using an eraser.
- The primary export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris can make a slinky go up the stairs.
- Some kids like to pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
Did These Make You Chuckle?
We hope you enjoyed these Chuck Norris jokes as much as we did. This was one of our favorite (and most time-consuming) lists to put together, so we hope it was worth it!
If you know any other new Chuck Norris jokes that we should include, send them our way. If we think they’re good we’ll make sure to add them!
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