25 Funny Diamond Puns & Jokes That Really Sparkle

Diamonds being inspected while coming up with puns about them

The great thing about funny diamond puns and diamond jokes is that they make fun of something that’s supposed to be fancy and expensive. But when it comes down to it, diamonds are just another silly thing that were invented to separate us from our money.

So with that being said, check out this list of diamond puns and jokes. We’ll definitely be using these soon!

  • What do you call an imitation diamond that an Irishman uses to propose to his girlfriend? It’s a sham rock. 
  • Have you ever thought that perhaps a carbon doesn’t really want to be a diamond and that it is just pressured into the whole thing?
  • I have tried numerous times to make a duck-shaped diamond, but every time it just seems to quack under pressure. 
  • A woman was confused when she opened a gift from her husband and found four carrots inside. Her husband smiled and told her it was four carats like she always wanted. 
  • Did you hear that new song? It’s a post-covid Neil Diamond song. It’s great. It’s called Sweet Quarantine.
  • When I bought a diamond for the first time, the salesperson told me to be careful with the stone as it was frajewel. 
  • There is a new trend where young women are piercing their legs with many diamond studs. I heard they are calling it a gam-bling addiction.
  • I love diamonds! They are pretty coal right?
  • Did you hear about the time that they arrested Screech? Luckily for Dustin Diamond, he didn’t have to spend the night in jail since he was Saved By the Bell.
  • When my girlfriend said nothing would make her happier than getting diamonds for her birthday, I was very relieved, and I bought her nothing instead.
  • Do you know that the best way to decrease a diamond’s value in a hurry is to cut it in half?
  • Before he was ever Neil Diamond, he was called Neil Coal. He let the pressure get to him. 
  • Diamond ad campaigns will always say how diamonds will make your lady feel, but really what they all mean is that if you buy her diamonds, then she will leave you alone again. 
  • Diamonds are all so similar looking because they are all carbon copies of each other.
  • A mineral digging man by trade, the man walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender told him that they didn’t serve miners there and he was asked to leave. 
  • My wife told me that for her birthday this year she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I hope she really loves this deck of playing cards I got for her.
  • I called my friend an uncut diamond when we were fighting the other day because she always acts cheap. 
  • The one important thing I learned from Minecraft is to never waste my diamonds just to buy a hoe.
  • I was curious about a legal issue and asked a police officer, “Why is it that if diamonds are found in your backyard, they will be claimed by the police, but if there were drugs found in my backyard then they would be mine without a doubt?”
  • Have you ever heard the quote that marriage is like a card game? It starts out with two hearts, a (hopefully) big diamond, but eventually at least one of the hearts wants a club and then a spade. 
  • I like my steak cooked like I like my diamonds, rare, bloody, and in an expensive cut. 
  • There was a lot of pressure on the family when my grandfather told us that his final wish was to make his ashes into a diamond. 
  • We should all be aware that problems are like diamonds. All we seem to do is inflate the importance of them when we really don’t realize how many of them there are still waiting for us to find. 
  • A man took his wife to a baseball game for their anniversary. She was not a huge sports fan and asked him why he chose to bring her there. He looked at her confused and said, “You told me you wanted to see a big diamond for our anniversary!”
  • When a young couple went to the jewelry store to buy her ring, she had a thought when she looked at the platinum and diamond ring she had chosen. She asked the salesman what she needed to do to take care of the ring, and he smiled, looked at her husband, and said she would do best to soak it in dishwater at least once a day for optimal shine. 

Did These Catch Your Eye?

We hope you found these funny diamond puns and diamond jokes worthwhile, and have a few that you plan on sharing with your friends. There’s nothing like bringing one of these up when someone is trying to brag about their fancy jewelry!

If you know any other good diamond puns and jokes that we may have missed, send them over! We’ll make sure to add whichever ones we like.