35 Great Calendar Puns & Jokes You Can Use All The Time

A schedule of funny calendar puns and jokes to share

Calendar puns and calendar jokes are surprisingly witty. There’s something about them that can always get a laugh no matter who you tell them to!

Even better, everyone is always checking their calendar for meetings or appointments. That gives you plenty of opportunities to share one of these funny ones below.

  • A friend who worked at a calendar manufacturing company was dismissed. He simply took the day off.
  • My calendar is often marked with vivid neon colors. The best part of my day is it.
  • Instead of a calendar, I downloaded a colander app, and as a result, my battery keeps dying.
  • The man who stole an Advent calendar, what happened to him? He had 24 days…
  • I came to the realization that I would never again purchase a cheap calendar on the 13th day of the 13th month.
  • Bought a calendar with a 1960s music theme. Large doors are present.
  • My calendar is only temporary. Its time is running out.
  • All of my calendars have had the fifth month deleted. I’m appalled.
  • I finally realized my calendar was printed upside down. Then, things took an unusual turn.
  • Has anyone heard of the two men who stole a calendar? Both were given six months.
  • Perhaps you should begin to worry about the calendar since its days are limited
  • Why only 11 months on Spider man’s-calendar? He dropped May.
  • Just received word that two men had been found guilty of stealing a calendar. Both were given six months.
  • I worry about the calendar. Its time is running out.
  • My employment at the calendar manufacturing was terminated.
    A few weeks ago, I lost my job at the calendar factory, and all I did was take a few days off.
    But it’s okay, I believe I will work as a mirror washer.
    I can definitely see myself engaging in it.
  • Calendars are going out of style. They may even have less days left, in my opinion.
  • The vet stated that she would euthanize the dog.
    But why? the owner demanded.
    Because he’s heavy, the dogtor said.
  • I was shocked when the fifth month was accidentally erased from the calendar.
  • What day followed Tuesday in the calendar?
  • All we had for toilet paper was a calendar because we were so poor.
    Those times are now in the past.
  • Why do calendar puns always fail? Because they are constantly worn-out and outdated
  • My calendar’s fifth month was taken out by someone. I’m utterly appalled.
  • A few weeks ago, I lost my job at the calendar factory, and all I did was take a few days off. But it’s okay, I believe I will work as a mirror washer. I can definitely see myself engaging in it.
  • Dedicated to the English instructor who took my calendar: Your days are running out. 
  • You don’t see invisible calendars every day, so this is unusual. These jokes are from Philogelos (“Love of Laughter”), the oldest joke book still in existence, which dates back to the 4th century AD, and are included in My Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader calendar. They lasted quite long.
  • A cheapskate listed himself as the heir in his will. An academic stopped over to visit a friend who was in critical condition. The scholar retorted, “When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by,” in response to the man’s wife’s statement that he had left.
  • A jealous landlord decided to remove all of his tenants after observing how content they were.
  • A man tells a doctor, “Doctor, every time I wake up from sleep, I feel lightheaded for 30 minutes, and then I’m OK.” Get up in half an hour,” the doctor instructed him.
  • I was in Paris in my dream the night before. It was the year 1789.
  • I was starving and in need. My clothing was in shambles. I was by myself.
    I could see the palace from a distance, so I sneaked inside while the guards weren’t looking.
    Food was in the air. I went in that direction.
    I observed the Queen and a dozen court ladies enjoying a lavish banquet there.
    When they all noticed me, they all became silent. I mustered up the confidence to ask, “Please, your majesty, can you spare me a morsel? I am famished.”
    Outraged, the queen requested the guards. A pair of enormous, powerful soldiers entered. Take this conceited wretch out and lash him, the queen yelled, pointing at me.
  • At the pearly gates after dying are three men.
    St. Peter explains to them that whereas once God required that only Christians who carefully read the Bible may enter Heaven, conditions have since changed and are now less stringent. You merely need to be aware of the fundamentals today.

    If you can explain to me the significance of Easter, the holiest day in the Christian calendar, you can enter heaven, St. Peter says as he turns to face the first man.

    Oh, of course,” the first man responds. We drank green beer because Jesus arrived at that time and drove all the snakes out of Scotland.

    “No, that’s… that’s entirely incorrect. You’re recalling “Saint Patrick,” who is said to have expelled snakes from “Ireland” in apocrypha.
  • Never in a million years did I imagine I’d have everything by the age of 35: – $650,000 in passive income
    An unfilled calendar
    My mortgage-free forever home
    Maui vacation home
    Two fancy cars
    A live-in nanny to assist us with our children
    I was correct; I don’t own any of that.
  • A man was imprisoned in a room that contained only a bed and a calendar. How is he able to live? He consumes dates from the calendar and sips water from the bed’s springs.
  • All the dates on my calendar have worn off. Now, my roommate believes I’m playing tic-tac-toe with him everytime I cross one of the boxes.
  • A burglar took my calendar. They have bad news… Next weekend, they have to go to my mother-in-law’s birthday celebration. 

It’s Time For You To Share These With Your Friends

Now that you’ve studied these funny calendar jokes and calendar puns, you need to start sharing them with your friends. There’s always an opportunity to bring them up, so all you need to do is wait for your time to strike!

Let us know if you have any other good puns or jokes about calendars that we should add above. We’re always looking for more funny stuff to add to the site!