30 Cactus Puns & Jokes That Are Actually Funny

We were blown away by the number of funny cactus puns and cactus jokes we found. These were a blast to read, and we’ve been sharing them with our friends for days.

We think you’ll like the ones we collected for this list. Some are funny, some are cute, and they’re all worth your time.

• Did you hear about the cactus that robbed the bank? It was a real stick-up.
• Why are cacti not allowed to take conventional exams? Because they are too sharp.
• What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus? A porcupine!
• Why was the young porcupine so confused when the first thing it saw after opening its eyes was a cactus? It thought the cactus was its father.
• How do you dress a cactus to impress for an interview with a potential employer? Give it a cac-tie!
• What do you get when a cactus goes on an airplane? A cactus. It doesn’t change just because it gets airborne.
• Why are cacti always so grumpy? Because they are prickly at birth.
• Why was the cactus so upset about the clown at the birthday party? It couldn’t hold the balloon animals.
• What do you get if you have a pineapple that has no yellow bits? A cactus!
• How do you greet a cactus after bumping into it on a walk in the desert? “Ouch!”
• Why didn’t the cactus get the job with the birthday party company? It couldn’t handle all of the balloons!
• Why are cactus jokes so difficult to create? They are such a thorny subject.
• What do you get when a bunch of cacti are blown over in a severe wind storm? A cac-tas-trophy!
• What do little cacti say to taunt the grown-up cacti when they are playing catch? “Bet you can’t cactus!”
• What is worse than dropping a cactus that you have cared for for many years of your life? Catching it!
• What do you get if you cross a Venus Fly Trap with a cactus? A plant with bark that is worse than its bite.
• What do you get when a dinosaur accidentally sits on a cactus? A mega-lo-sore-arse!
• What do you call a truck loaded to the brim with cacti to be shipped to market? A cac-ton of desert plants.
• What made the cactus decide to move to the other side of the road? It had no choice in the matter, it was stuck to a wild boar.
• How did the bellman greet the cactus when he arrived at the apartment wearing a tuxedo? “Looking sharp today sir.”
• Did you hear the joke about the cactus seamstress? It’ll give you pins and needles.
• What is it about the desert night that always makes coyotes howl? They can’t see the cacti in the dark.
• What is another name for a cactus pie? A succulent dessert!
• Why do cacti not make a good ingredient in food dishes? They have a rather sharp taste.
• What do you smell if you get super close to a cactus? Blood.
• I went to the florist today to get some new plants for my garden and saw that she had a cactus that was in a bad way. Curious, I asked her what was wrong with it. “I’m not sure,” she said, “I can’t seem to put my finger on it to solve the problem.”
• Using the same train of thought as we do for naming conventions of cacti, what do you call a single head of broccoli? A brocculus!
• I got into an argument with my girlfriend the other day. She was telling me to be less selfish and to remember that there is a US in cactus. I laughed and said “But baby, the plural form is cact-I!”
• I was at the grocery store today and saw a customer asking a worker for some help in the produce section. The customer asked the worker if they could give them the price for the goth cucumber they had on display next to the melons. The worker laughed and said, “That’s not a cucumber, it’s a cactus!”
• Two cacti, one large and one smaller,  were having a conversation in the desert about the future.
  The smaller cactus says to the larger one, “I just don’t know how the future is going to unfold. One day there is rain, flowers, and all kinds of wildlife. The next day, everything is shriveled up and no wildlife to be seen. How do we cacti thrive like this?”
  The large cactus replies, “Stick with me little one and we’ll go places.”

Which Ones Did You Like The Most?

We had a great time putting these funny cactus puns and cactus jokes together, and we hope you enjoyed reading them. With the popularity of houseplants growing each year, it’s going to be quite handy to know some of these!

If you know any other great puns or jokes we should add, send them over. We look through reader submissions all the time, and add whatever we think makes the cut.