67 Train Puns And Jokes To Derail Any Conversation!

Train puns and jokes are surprisingly funny. When we first started to put this list together, we were skeptical.

But then we quickly picked up steam.

If you don’t believe us, scroll through this list and see for yourself. You’ll be laughing uncontrollably in no time.*

We think this is because there’s something about trains that appeals to everyone on a very childlike level. They’re just fun!

So unlike a lot of the other sites out there, we took the time to carefully collect and improve the very best train puns and train jokes you can find online. The list below is a mishmash of both, so give it a read and enjoy!

  • I tried to get a job as a railway conductor, but they didn’t think I had enough training.
  • When the train engineer decided he wanted to run for office, he put the development of brailways for the blind as his main priority.
  • How do locomotives hear? Through their enginears.
  • What did the mother steam engine say to her baby to get her to eat? “Here comes the choo choo train!”
  • How do you find a missing train? Hire an expert to follow the tracks.
  • What do you call a locomotive that keeps sneezing? Achoo choo train.
  • Railroad workers aren’t what they used to be. I remember in the good old days all the conductors were a little loco and full of self e-steam.
  • The conductor was right in the middle of his presentation when he lost his train of thought. Embarrassed, he quickly disembarked the room.
  • Did you know that train conductors make great thieves? They’re really good at covering their tracks.
  • I was able to pick up a few railway buffers for cheap the other day. I took advantage of an end of the line sale.
  • It’s always great working with a train conductor. They’re always ready to take one for the steam.
  • What does a monster see when it sees a train full of passengers? A chew chew train.
  • Conductors can be quite intimidating when you get them angry. Make sure you don’t yank their train!
  • Everyone seems to have a crush on the train conductor. She’s quite at-track-tive.
  • There’s a guy I know who has been a big fan of monorails since he was little. I guess he’s just really into one liners!
  • Even the toughest train engineer needs a brake to let off some steam.
  • A railroad conductor needs to make sure he doesn’t go down the wrong track and lose his train of thought.
  • No one would ever find out how hard he trained, because he never got a platform to share it.
  • A locomotive conductor can only think of one thing at a time. They all have one track minds.
  • The train company had safety issues for years but were always able to cover their tracks.
  • When things look bad you just have to keep calm and carriage on.
  • I had a friend who quit his gig as a newspaper reporter and took a train out of town. The ex-press train.
  • Why can’t train engineers get electrocuted? They’re not the conductor.
  • No matter where you are, you’ll never see happy railroad tracks. Too many people have crossed them.
  • What’s one easy way to tell if a train just passed? It leaves tracks.
  • Did you hear about the man who took the 6 o’clock train home? The police made him give it back.
  • I swear train conductors never get in trouble. They always seem to have a get out of rail free card.
  • I always like chewing gum on the train. Unlike teachers, locomotives always tell you to choo choo.
  • I was going to ask the conductor a question when he walked by, but I was too afreight to ask.
  • I went to a throwback party at the train station. Everyone had on platforms.
  • No matter what, the train I regularly take home is always late. It’s a slowcomotive.
  • Train drivers are quite clever and known for their engine-uity.
  • The train conductor was feeling silly and decided to wear platform shoes to work.
  • I’ve always been a big fan of a funny one-liner. I guess that’s why I like monorails so much!
  • Being a train driver is more difficult than it looks. Every detail needs to be kept track of.
  • The conductor kept telling me funny train puns, and it was hard to keep a freight face.
  • Teachers and railroad security are more similar than you might think. One of them trains the mind, while the other one minds the trains.
  • I finally figured out why you always try to drive me crazy. You have a locomotive.
  • Why did the ghost get fired from his job at the railroad? He couldn’t coordinate the skeleton service!
  • The train conductor worked hard and got offered a promotion. It was a tram-endous opportunity.
  • What sort of car does a crazy person drive? A locomotive.
  • The train driver was overloaded with work, but he just kept chugging along.
  • We ended up canceling our trip because all of our plans went down the train.
  • Always keep an eye on train puns, they can go off the rails without warning!
  • Train conductors are known for their drinking. They can just keep chugging.
  • Wow, you really have to hand it to ticket inspectors…
  • Railroad workers need to be sure they always keep their train of thought, or else they might go down the wrong track and get someone hurt.
  • I wanted to put together this list of funny train puns a while ago, but I just kept getting side tracked.
  • What do you call a sick locomotive? A train with a coal-d.
  • My buddy made the grand final of the national model train competition. Unfortunately, he lost on points.
  • What’s another name for a freight train that’s transporting gum? A chew-chew train.
  • How do you make the locomotive olympics? Train really hard.
  • The cops were investigating the recent theft of a train. They suspected the culprit had a locomotive.
  • Being a train conductor requires you to get up early in the morning. Right at the track of dawn.
  • It was exhausting to listen to the conductor’s argument because she had a one-track mind. It was enough to drive you loco.
  • Driving trains is a lot more difficult than it steams!
  • It’s hard to find anyone with more focus than a train driver. They have complete tunnel vision.
  • How does a train avoid detection? It covers its tracks.
  • I once asked a conductor how many times a train he was on had gotten derailed. He told me it was hard to keep track.
  • Why do trains take so long to arrive on Halloween? They’re running with a skeleton service.
  • It’s a freight day to go for a ride on a train.
  • If you spend too much time walking on railroad tracks it might leave you feeling run down.
  • The train conductor was a very sneaky woman, she always had a track or two up her sleeve.
  • The conductor has never missed a day of work in over 20 years on the job. He was there come train or shine.
  • You can always tell when a train driver is stressed because they bite their rails.
  • The conductor’s mailbox is always stuffed with letters. He receives plenty of freight mail.

Drive Your Friends Loco With These!

Now that you have a handy list of train puns and train jokes at your disposal, it’s time for you to share them with whoever will listen!

This is an absolute requirement if you’re actually on a train, but don’t be afraid to randomly bring one of these up in casual conversation as well (maybe when you’re meeting the parents).

If you have any train puns or jokes that you think we should add to the list, hop over to our contact page and suggest them! If they make the cut (as a stalwart humor publisher we have very high standards) we’ll be sure to include them.

*Ok, this might be a slightly exaggerated promise.