45+ Nut Puns & Jokes To Crack Open With Your Friends

A batch of nuts used to inspire some funny nut puns and jokes

Funny nut puns and jokes don’t have to be dirty. In fact, most of them can be told to your grandparents!

And there’s never been a better time in human history to share them.

With more and more people shunning the time-honored tradition of boiled meats and hardtack for dinner, nuts have become a popular and healthy source of protein to include in meals.

That’s why it’s good to have a few nut puns or nut jokes handy. You can go to your favorite overpriced vegan restaurant and bother the waiter!

If that seems like your ideal way to spend a Tuesday afternoon, check out this list and memorize some of your favorites. Then go out and unleash them on the rest of the world.

  • Why do bodybuilders buy a ton of walnuts? Because they are health nuts.
  • What is the best way to ensure a picture frame will stay put? Attach the picture frame to the wall with walnuts. 
  • Why do walnuts and pecans go to see a psychiatrist? Because they are both nuts. 
  • Why did the squirrel pack away walnuts on his long journey? To ensure he walnut fail to reach his destination. 
  • Why were the police so frustrated at getting the criminal to confess? Because he was a tough nut to crack. 
  • Why are cashews great at chasing criminals? Because by their nature they cashew the best. 
  • Why do peanut butter sandwiches make great social media wogs? Because they spread it around. 
  • Why do motivational speakers hand out walnuts to their clients? To ensure they walnut fail. 
  • What do you call mixed nuts? Cashews with obstacles. 
  • Why did the doctor recommend the man with a cold stop eating cashews? Because cash-ews make you sneeze. 
  • Why was the cashew frustrated in class when trying to ask questions? Because the teacher kept saying, nut now. 
  • What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess. 
  • Why are your secrets safe with a walnut eater? Because they walnut give them away. 
  • Why did the nut often go barefoot? Because it’s hard to find cashews that fit. 
  • What did one nut friend say to another? I’ll cashew you later. 
  • Why do squirrels make poor jokesters? Because all their puns are nutty. 
  • Did you hear about how Planters is planning to launch an astronaut in space? They call their candidates for space astro-nuts. 
  • Why did a nut win the part of Hamlet in the play? He was the best at saying, “To be or nut to be!” 
  • Why did the squirrel tell his friends he thought he was nuts? Because he was told you are what you eat and he pretty much lived on nuts. 
  • Why did the female cashew berate her boyfriend? Because when dressing she caught him pecan through the window. 
  • Why do pine nuts make you very slow at the bank? Because you walk pine-fully slow. 
  • What do nervous nuts do under police interrogation? They crack. 
  • Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors. 
  • What’s the most popular spread for TV newscasters? Nutella. 
  • Which is cheaper, a can of beer nuts or deer nuts? Deer nuts by a mile. You can find them under a buck. 
  • What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle. 
  • Why do some peanuts need a trainer? Some of them are afraid to come out of their shell.
  • What’s the most popular motivational t-shirt? Stay c-almond and collected. 
  • Why do ground squirrels make great bodybuilders? Because they live on pine nuts and believe in no pine, no gain. 
  • What do you call nuts on top of ice cream? Ala-mond.
  • Why did the man call the fire department for help? Because he was eating nuts and he had an almond-fire. 
  • What kind of label did the almond milk have on it? Not like any udder milk. 
  • Why are almond milkers crazy? They’re around nuts all day. 
  • What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
  • What do bankers consider the wealthiest nuts? Cashoos. 
  • Traffic officials are investigating the reason for the peanut butter highway jam. They suspect it was caused by the addition of jelly to cause a jam. 
  • Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted. 
  • Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter. 
  • What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil. 
  • When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet. 
  • Why did the crazy farmer become rich? He switched to nuts when told that was the most profitable crop. 
  • What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.” 
  • Why do squirrels swim on their backs? They like to keep their nuts dry.*

You Walnut Keep These To Yourself

Now that you’ve joined the exclusive club of nut pun and joke lovers, it’s time for you to start using these on your friends and family (or strangers if you’re feeling spicy).

No matter who you tell these to, you’re sure to get at least a tiny smile. It’s impossible to resist!

Let us know if you have any nut jokes or nut puns that deserve a spot in the list above. We’re always looking for more highbrow humor to add to the site!

* Come on. You didn’t really believe none of these would be dirty did you?