47 Funny Vampire Jokes & Puns That Never Get Old

Drawing of a vampire laughing at funny vampire jokes and puns

Vampire jokes and vampire puns are timeless. There’s something so iconic about these spooky monsters that anyone can identify and appreciate some good humor about them!

It doesn’t matter if you’re into horror or Halloween, spending some time getting familiar with vampire jokes and puns will come in handy eventually!

  • What did the vampire do after he lost a fang? He had to grin and bare it.
  • What kind of newspapers do vampires like to read?
    The ones with the best circulation.
  • Why does Dracula not like chicken blood?
    Because they’re fowl-tasting.
  • How did the vampire enter the house? Through the bat door.
  • Why do vampires usually win at games?
    Because they are out for blood.
  • What is a vampire’s favorite type of cheese?
    Munster cheese.
  • What did the vampire name his boat?
    The Blood Vessel.
  • Why did the vampire lose at poker?
    He couldn’t beat the stakes.
  • How did the vampires get arrested?
    By robbing a blood bank.
  • What does a vampire order at the bar?
    A Bloody Mary.
  • Why are vampires hard to get along with?
    They can be a pain in the neck.
  • I once watched a vampire race.
    It was neck and neck at the end.
  • What’s a vampire’s favorite color?
    Blood red.
  • How does the vampire get to the blood bank?
    He calls a cab.
  • I once dated a vampire but had to break up with her.
    She really sucked the life from me.
  • What did the vampire need at the blood bank?
    To make a withdrawal.
  • How do you know if a vampire is flirting?
    They bat their eyes.
  • Why is it easy to trick a vampire? Because they’re suckers!
  • In what condition did the vampire sell their mirror? Never used.
  • How does Dracula get a good day’s sleep?
    He drinks de-coffin-ated coffee.
  • Did you hear about Dracula and his wife?
    He divorced her after a blood test. He found out she wasn’t his type.
  • Why does Dracula read self-help books?
    He always wants to re-vamp himself.
  • Why is Dracula so reliable?
    You can always Count on him.
  • What does Dracula enjoy getting in his mailbox? Fang mail.
  • What does a vampire teacher give out? Blood tests.
  • Why did the vampire get married?
    It was love at first bite.
  • Who is the role model for vampires?
  • What kind of dog do vampires love?
  • How do vampires address someone when beginning a letter?
    Tomb it may concern.
  • Who is most afraid of vampires?
    The dentists that have to work on them.
  • Why is the South a vampire’s favorite place?
    Because it is full of rednecks.
  • Why can’t you find any vampires in Africa?
    Because they bless the rain, then it turns into holy water.
  • Why are vampires so sociable?
    They are always looking for new blood.
  • Where do vampire students go for their lunch?
    They go down to the casketeria.
  • Why did the vampire have to take medicine?
    Because of their coffin.
  • What do vampires and false teeth have in common?
    They both only come out at night.
  • If a vampire impersonates Elvis, how does he leave the stage?
    He leaves by saying, “Fang you, fang you very much!”
  • What job did Dracula have?
  • What does a vampire become after turning to a life of crime?
    A fangster.
  • Honestly, vampire jokes really suck.
  • If a vampire puts on makeup…can they then see their reflection?
  • How did Dracula beat Superman?
    He was able to get to his Krypt Tonight.
  • Who is the most valued player on a soccer team full of vampires?
    The one that scores the most ghouls!
  • Why is it so unfortunate that vampires can’t see their own reflection?
    Because they are so vein!
  • What is a vampire’s favorite kind of dance?
    The fang-dango.
  • What did the vampire doctor say to the patients in the waiting room?
    Necks please!
  • Why do vampires frequently drive on the 405 freeway?
    Because it’s a main artery!

Did You Sink Your Teeth Into These?

Hopefully this list of funny vampire jokes and vampire puns entertained you as much as it did us! We had a fantastic time working on this list and plan to come back to it again in the future.

If you know any other great vampire jokes or puns that you think we should include, send them over. We’ll put them through our ultra-serious and rigorous humor testing process, and we’ll add the ones we like.