15 Funny Newspaper Jokes & Puns You’ll Want To Circulate

We absolutely love newspaper jokes and newspaper puns. Even though they’re mostly digital now, newspapers are still a major part of our lives.

This list of funny newspaper jokes and puns was a lot of fun to put together. And now that we know them, it’s impossible to read the news without bringing these up!

• What do you call an Italian newspaper correspondent? Time’s New Roman.
• My dad saw a classified ad in the local paper that he really liked, but when I asked him about it, he said that he wasn’t allowed to tell me about it.
• There were two different newspapers with fresh crosswords on the breakroom table today that had the exact same clue for a word with eleven letters. I’m sure it was just coincidence.
• There sure have been a lot of articles about vampires in the newspapers lately. It’s strange though, you can’t see them in The Mirror.
• Where does a newspaper journalist go when they need a lead on a new scoop? The ice cream shop.
• Why does Dracula like to read the biggest local newspaper? He heard it has great circulation.
• My mom got so upset when she was unable to find the scissors to cut her coupons out of the newspaper that she was reduced to tears.
• Why did the journalist follow a competitor’s newspaper delivery van down the highway? They were trying to keep up with the times.
• I was surprised about the free printer I received when I bought my new laptop for writing articles. His name is Arthur and it seems he has worked with newspapers for over a decade.
• A man and his granddaughter were sitting at the table having tea.
  A fly lands on the table between them and the man asks his granddaughter to hand him the newspaper from the shelf next to her.
  “ Newspapers are so old-fashioned, grandpa, here let me show you how to use the tablet,” she says, and hands him her iPad.
  That fly never stood a chance.
• While looking for work leads in the paper today, I noticed a posting that said “Accountant needed: $60,000 – $70,000.” The opportunity was too good to pass up so I called the number and when the person answered I excitedly blurted out “It’s -$10,000!”
• A single man was reading a newspaper in the coffee shop when he saw a posting in the classifieds section of the local newspaper that read: “Find your soul mate for just $20.”
  With nothing to lose, he figured why not and gave the number a call.
  A short while later, an Australian gentleman with what looked like a bunch of ghost hunting equipment approached the man at his table and greeted him.
  When the man asked the Aussie what all the gear is for, the Aussie replied, ‘It’s for finding your soul, mate!’
• It’s hard to take anything seriously in the newspapers today, aside from fish & chips, that is. Even that needs to be enjoyed with a few grains of salt.
  “Honey, what is a four letter word used to describe a religious song,” the husband asked his wife as he was working through the crossword in the newspaper over breakfast?
  “Hymn,” she replied.
  “Yeah, it’s a tough one, isn’t it?”
• There was a listing in the classifieds section of the newspaper for a free talking dog today.
  Curious to know more about this impossible creature, I called the number and arranged a time to meet and made my way to the address given.
  When I arrived, a dog was peering over the fence around the yard; a normal looking German Shepherd.
  I decided to say hello to the dog, not thinking for a second that I would get any kind of response as I went through the gate and started up the walk to the front door of the house.
  To my surprise, I heard a reply from behind me. “Greetings and well met,” said the gruff voice.
  I stopped in mid-step, turned and said “So you really do talk!”
  “Indeed I am,” replied the dog.
  “This is amazing! You have to tell me your story,” I said excitedly.
  “Sure. It’s pretty simple actually. I was part of a regular litter and learned to speak by listening to my humans. When my owner figured out I could speak, being a secret agent with the government, he decided to use me as his partner to help spy on the Russians at the end of the Cold War. We did good, but he passed away suddenly shortly after we retired and now I’m here.”
  The door behind us creaked open as the dog finished his story and I turned to greet the owner.
  “Your dog is amazing. Why would you ever want to give him up,” I asked?
  “Because he’s full of crap. He never did any of those things!”

Pass These Around!

Hopefully these newspaper jokes and newspaper puns make you chuckle and keep you happy when reading the depressing news each day. A little extra humor never hurts!

We’re always on the lookout for more newspaper jokes and puns, so let us know if you have any! If you send over some we like we’ll be sure to include them on the list above.